In the rush of the holiday season with its parties, dinners, family get-togethers, gift buying, baking, and celebrations, it’s not uncommon for a couple’s sexual relationship to flounder. Even couples with a relatively good sex life often feel the strain of holiday pressure.

Stress and time constraints are a set-up for sex to be a disappointment, non-existent, unsatisfactory, or half-hearted. And if one spouse is doing significantly more of the holiday preparation and work than the other, the potential for a sexual desire mismatch between husband and wife increases even more.

After all, there’s no way to “burn the candle at both ends” and not have it affect your sexual energy eventually. It’s not conducive to heightened sexuality to be sleep-deprived, exhausted, stressed, rushed, harried, over-whelmed, and frantic about getting everything done on time.

The holidays can also take an emotional toll with resulting depression and holiday blues. If a family member has died during the previous year, if your own marriage is shaky, or if a divorce or marriage of family members has changed the holiday dynamics, there can be deep grieving and pain. These factors can profoundly affect sexual desire.

The following seven tips will help you to keep the sparkle and sizzle of your sex life intact:

1. Talk with your spouse about which activities to schedule during the holidays and which to consider leaving out or changing in some way. Stress intensifies when you try to cram too many activities into your days and weeks. Just because something has always been done one way doesn’t mean that you can’t consider making a change.

Set priorities and then stick by them. Remember what’s most important to youyour spouse, children, and extended familiesand schedule your time accordingly. Cut back on or skip activities that aren’t fulfilling to you both and that drain time and energy.
Face the reality that you can’t do it allno one can. Look for ways to save time and energy and still accomplish your goals and honor your priorities. You can’t sizzle in any area of your lifeand certainly not your sex life– if you fall on your face from exhaustion.

2. Schedule some time for yourselfeven if it’s much more limited than usual. The goal is to take good care of yourself by scheduling some time each dayeven if it’s only 15-30 minutesto focus on your needs.

Can you allow thirty minutes for a nap before you go shopping or can you schedule a massage or pedicure? Can you soak in the tub for fifteen minutes or take a twenty-minute walk around the block? What about working out at a gym or at home for thirty minutes?

If you ignore your basic needs for nurturance during this stressful time, then you may start resenting your spouse for his or her sexual desires and needs. You’ll view sex as one more “duty” that’s on your “to do” list.

3. Be realistic about time and energy constraints. The holidays are demanding for most people and require more energy than usualemotional as well as physical energy.

You might only have time for a “quickie” instead of a more lengthy time together, but that’s fine as long as you don’t just settle for “quickies” all year long. But they certainly have their place and can add fun and excitement to your day.

It’s okay if you or your partner are tired and don’t feel as sexual as usual. Let the person who is more aroused take the lead while the other has permission to be more low key. Just enjoy being together and reconnecting.

4. Remember that intimacy in the bedroom starts in the kitchen, in the laundry room, in the living roomit’s about much more than meeting in the bedroom for a romp under the sheets.

Some of you may have seen the saying contained in a widely-circulated email letter that “No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.” Another way of reframing this is that a spouse can accumulate good will points by sharing the housework, chores, and errandsand those good will points can certainly help in the bedroom.

Yes, I know that there are cases where a spouse does more than his or her share of the work and the spouse is still rejecting of sex. And certainly I’m not suggesting that a spouse owes a partner sex because he or she helps around the house. Not at all.

But I am saying that to create the maximum potential for a sexual relationship to be satisfying for both partners, wise spouses look at how they treat their partners outside of the bedroom. And this applies more than ever during a stressful time like the holidays.

5. Look for ways to do something nice for your spouse that has the potential to activate sexual desire, such as a foot massage or a back rub. It’s hard to turn down the offer of a foot massage at the end of a long day.

The key is to not expect sex as a reward for your efforts. Talk to your spouse during the massage and show interest in his or her day and feelings. Ask questions and really listen to what your spouse says.

Give compliments to your partner while you’re giving the massage: “You work so hard,” “I appreciate you and all that you do for me and the kids so much,” “You’re a wonderful wife (or husband),” or “Your skin feels good to the touchit’s so nice and warm.”

You might ask your spouse if the two of you can just “snuggle,” that you don’t have any ulterior motives. Just enjoy snuggling and talking, perhaps laughing together, and then keep your worddon’t initiate anything sexual.

You want to let the good will points accumulate and let the good feelings physically and emotionally build up until your partner’s desire also builds up. When you’re not expecting sex, you make it more likely that you partner will relax into the experience and feel sexual desire.

6. Be aware of how your choices about alcohol and over-indulging in holiday foods can affect your mood and sexual desires. In many marriages, when one or both spouses drink too much, arguments and fights result.

Also, a spouse who is reeking of alcohol can sexually turn off his or her mate who may be repulsed by the smell and by drunken behavior. Throw in the erratic holiday mood swings that can happen naturally at any time along with the alcohol, and you have a formula for trouble.

Eating too many rich foods and too many sweets, along with eating way too much, can also affect mood and sexual desire. Most people don’t feel very sexy when they have a stomach ache or can’t sleep because they are “stuffed.”

For many, the temptations of over-eating and drinking too much are ever-present from Thanksgiving through New Year’s, and that’s a long time for your marriage relationship to be affected. There’s an old saying that “More is less,” and it certainly applies here. Less alcohol and less indulging can set the stage for better sex.

7. Keep your sense of humor and try not to take everything your spouse does personally. If he or she is absolutely exhausted and isn’t interested at all in sex, that doesn’t mean you’re not desirable or that you’re being rejected.

Cut your spouse some slack during this stressful time, and look for things to talk and laugh about together. As you strengthen your emotional connection and intimacy, you increase the odds that your sexual intimacy will remain strong.

Always remember that sexual intimacy results from satisfying, good communication and emotional intimacy.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says “I don’t love you anymore!” This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com , where you can sign up for a free weekly marriage advice newsletter. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to spouses who want to overcome marriage problems and create a rewarding, loving marriage.